and just like that - he's gone..
i don't know how i feel - sad, tired, torn, alone, empty..
Earlier this week, on Monday, J had decided to leave nyc to head back home to sydney on Saturday (yesterday). I was a little sad to hear that he was going - yet mostly surprised that he was leaving so soon and so quickly. I've discovered I'm getting pretty good at ignoring my feelings - and it's easiest done by keeping busy. I ended up working overtime the whole week, came home exhausted so that i would hit the sack and fall straight to sleep.
and then, before i knew it, it was time for him to leave. even when we hugged to say goodbye, i didn't cry. i thought i would - but i didn't.
i hung out with doris for the rest of the day, drinking, eating, watching movies... until she was too tired to continue on.. as i caught a cab back home at 2:30AM in the morning, it hit me... and i couldn't stop sobbing... all of it hit me right then. the sense of loss, the weariness, loneliness, and most of all sorrow... i was also torn - i didn't know how i felt. i missed him so much. did i still love him? do i hate him? should i have done things differently? should i had forgiven him and let him back in? why didn't i see these options before? i suddenly seemed so much more awake - like my line of sight was limited to the one road i was walking on, and my peripheral vision had just returned.
what had happened to me? my life? i felt as though i'd been in autopilot for the longest time, and finally woke up to nothing. everything important in my life gone. yet i feel so much more awake now.
so, with nothing more to lose, and everything to gain - will i change? is this where my life begins?
Earlier this week, on Monday, J had decided to leave nyc to head back home to sydney on Saturday (yesterday). I was a little sad to hear that he was going - yet mostly surprised that he was leaving so soon and so quickly. I've discovered I'm getting pretty good at ignoring my feelings - and it's easiest done by keeping busy. I ended up working overtime the whole week, came home exhausted so that i would hit the sack and fall straight to sleep.
and then, before i knew it, it was time for him to leave. even when we hugged to say goodbye, i didn't cry. i thought i would - but i didn't.
i hung out with doris for the rest of the day, drinking, eating, watching movies... until she was too tired to continue on.. as i caught a cab back home at 2:30AM in the morning, it hit me... and i couldn't stop sobbing... all of it hit me right then. the sense of loss, the weariness, loneliness, and most of all sorrow... i was also torn - i didn't know how i felt. i missed him so much. did i still love him? do i hate him? should i have done things differently? should i had forgiven him and let him back in? why didn't i see these options before? i suddenly seemed so much more awake - like my line of sight was limited to the one road i was walking on, and my peripheral vision had just returned.
what had happened to me? my life? i felt as though i'd been in autopilot for the longest time, and finally woke up to nothing. everything important in my life gone. yet i feel so much more awake now.
so, with nothing more to lose, and everything to gain - will i change? is this where my life begins?
posted by c`kREtZ at 10:46 am
2 Comments:
hey sweets,
such a sad entry. when looking back at difficult times, all we can do is trust ourselves that we made the right decisions along the way... there are so many pathways we could have taken along the way, but we have to remember is that there were reasons for doing what we did at the time.
i'm sure that if u went back to when j asked to get back, u would have weighed up the same factors, and had come to the same decision.
i'm the same as u with the whole sobbing thing. the only time i have waterfalls, is when its really late at night in bed when i'm not focusing on anything in particular, or on the train when my mind wanders. i told mum that the other day, and she told me to control myself in public on the train, otherwise ppl will think i'm a looney. heheee
Jeez gal, why you soo sad.. ? its only J...
you'll get ur knickers in a knot if you keep thinking of the "what ifs"...!!
ever thought that maybe what you didnt do - like take him back and all that nonsense - was actually the best thing for you ?
im sure if you really really loved him you would have done everything to keep him .. but maybe intuition - heheh (and common sense) that you rejected him lor!!
dont worry gal.. im sure NY is not short of hot asian men!
so enjoy ur singleton life before its honey moon phase again - which looks like this Tony bizo is promising to be.. heheh
love ya
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