aimless.. part ii

Wow - I was just about to write another blog entry titled, "aimless.." when i thought i may have already typed one up. so i looked through my old entries, and found an incomplete and unpublished entry... - so i've just posted it incomplete so i can write up part ii...

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i just woke up about an hour ago - again, wondering what i am doing. i can't go on anymore without setting goals in my life. otherwise, life will just pass me by... all i seem to do these days is work and spend all my money on useless crap like fine dining and more clothes and shoes, leaving myself with no savings at the end of each month - often finding myself in debt even.

so, it's been confirmed that i will be promoted to a manager in a week's time. i do relatively well at work - but only because that is something that i'm good at and i can set realistic goals to get me where i am.

but life is so different. or maybe not. maybe i just need to break it down into bite-sized chunks.

Goal 1) Feel more energized
Target a) Eat healthier and appropriate portions of food.
Target b) Go back to the gym.
Target c) Drink less. Drink more water or something.

Goal 2) Save some money to invest in something important like a deposit for an apartment
Target a) Fine dine less and less extravagently
Target b) Shop less and make do with what i already own.
Target c) Stop buying things for the apartment - I probably wont be here much longer

Goal 3) En joy my life more.
Target a) Find something that i enjoy doing that doesn't involve eating, shopping, drinking or spending more money. e.g.........
i) go to the park
ii) find free events (but most were over when summer ended)
iii) walk around nyc and discover more
iv) do walking tours from all the touristy books i own
v) go to the museums

Goal 4) Appreciate the good things i already have in my life
Target a) keep in contact with my family and good friends
Target b) continue to do well at work

Goal 5) Expand and grow?
Target a) make new friends
Target b) see new things
Target c) do new things
Target d) visit new places e.g. south america? europe?
Target e) take new courses e.g. learning to read and write chinese? pilates? yoga?
Target f) cook more?

that sounds about right... maybe now i won't feel so aimless?? :P

is there a war out there?

last saturday night, i went out to a bar with Cecilia... pretty much as soon as we got there, a pretty good looking asian guy came over my way and we started chatting. and then Cecilia pounced on him! i mean - literally pounced on him.. she threw her hands all over him, hugging him even as he was trying to talk to me.. then when the music came on, and we were dancing, she didn't let go. it was just getting too awkward, so i tried to pull away, and he tried to pull me back. and then cecilia came over and said to me, "hey, he's pretty cute isn't he? but he's not your type right?" .. wow - what was i meant to say to that? anyway, i backed off. not like i liked him, coz obviously i didn't even know him.

when i got home and relayed the story to my roommate arin, she was shocked. and questioned whether cecilia is really my friend. but hey, she is who she is. i hope it wasn't intentional. but it has brought about a fair question. why do i keep meeting these type of girls, who seemingly subconsciously fight to get men?

there was the time when nat saw the guy that she liked at marquee, and she also pounced on him. he was casually looking around, when he looked over nat, and she immediately pounced on him, and said to him, "hey, are you australian? you look like an aussie!". i'd never seen anything like it before and it really amazed me.

then there was the whole fiasco that happened with ny-anita and the mind games that were played throughout that. that hit me hard though. and it reminded me of the movie wicker park. obviously wicker park was so much more exaggerated. yet - it goes to show how evil and how much damage girls can do.

but hey - i can't and don't want to compete with that. it's just not me. but does that equal to lost opportunities?

one of the reasons i came to nyc was because i was hoping i'd be able to explore who i am a little more, without the pressure of family and friends and people who knew me. but all i discovered was - i already am who i am. and i haven't changed one bit coming here. sometimes i speculate what would happen if i weren't so prudent.

when han came out to visit, he had a lot of positive energy emiting from him - and it has encouraged me to be a little more open-minded about some things. so maybe i will try and do things a little different. for example, i won't automatically turn down a guy if he asks if i'd like a drink. and maybe i might smile a little too... i don't know. i feel like i'm playing a game that i know nothing about.

faded memories...

do you ever wake up in the morning, or walk out of the house, and when you breathe in the air around you, it reminds you of a previous moment in your life? like - it just takes you back to that moment...?

as i walked out of the apartment this morning, the cold, fresh air hit me, and the distinct smell of the fall breeze and the city hit me hard. it brought about a tinge of sadness. at first, i wondered if it was because i'd miss the warmth of summer.. but then it hit me - that jordan and i broke up around this time last year, and the weather was just as it was when mum had left, and when i was sick in hk...

this dejavu smell thing does not happen very often... only once every 2-3 years or so... but when it happens, it takes me all the way back to that moment and throws me right back there, with all the emotions i feel at the time. and it feels as strong and as real as it did back then...

i remember the first time i had this happened...i woke up in the morning back in sydney - maybe when i was 16 or soand when i felt the warmth of my room, and smelt the smell of warmth of spring. it brought me back to when i was really young, when i had no worries in the world.

it happens quite often when i'm at a beach... the distinct smell of the beach brings me back to many beach moments.. lying in the sun, with my head underneathe a towel, smelling the sun, sand, ocean, and sweat - until the long awaited ocean breeze finally passes by, cooling my heated body just a little...

usually - it gives me an avenue to re-live my happy memories... but not today - today, it just hurt... i had almost forgotten the pain i'd went through... sometimes, some memories are better left forgotten..

now - nobody has ever mentioned experiencing this before, so I decided to do a little research... and lo and behold - i found an article from 1988, "Certain smells evoke stronger memories". it was fascinating to see that there was a fair amount of research performed in this area...

last time round..

last friday night, i saw tony for the last time...

i went to see him after going to first fridays at the guggenheim museum... again, it was a long time coming.

yet when i finally saw him, i realized it was all gone. nothing was left anymore. no butterflies. no breathlessness. no ooohhs. no aaaahhhs. it was a sad moment for me - although i knew it would come to this sooner or later.

finally - it was time to really say goodbye.

love does not discriminate..

last friday - i saw one of the most beautiful moments of my life.

on my way out to grand central on the train, i sat across from a couple who looked as though they may have been living on the streets. the woman was grotesquely obese, with scabs all over her face and body, and missing teeth. the guy was sickeningly anorexic, with a gray ash tone in his skin, also with missing teeth, carrying a filled black garbage bag.

when i got onto the train at 86th street, they were holding hands, speaking quietly to each other and smiling at one another. as we approached 59th street station, they kissed each other goodbye softly on the lips as the woman stood up to get off the train. the guy watched her walk off the train, then quickly swung around to watch her through the window. when she reached the staircase on the platform, she turned around and they waved goodbye to each other again. he then turned around, looked at the floor and sighed.

it was truly one of the most beautiful things i've seen in my life. and it reminded me of how jordan and i once were. and for the first time in a long time - i really missed it.