letting go... (continued)

*sigh* i feel like crap today...

friday night, J called and left me a voicemail... essentially saying that he needed to talk to me because was very unhappy and drank himself to an oblivious state on thursday night because he missed me - and doesn't know why he tried so hard to not give our relationship a 2nd go...

at the time i heard the message, i didn't really care. i mean - i cared about how he was doing...etc, but i didn't care about how he felt for me - and i was somewhat happy as it was a sign that i have moved on... so i continued to party on - and had a lot of fun... and then i knew i had to go and talk things through with him....

so when i went and saw him, i told him exactly how i felt about the whole situation - how the past 5 months were really hard for me. i cried too much, and tried too hard, and for what purpose? and then i was finally able to let go because he helped give me a push by being so cruel to me.. and i'm a lot happier now than i have been for a long, long time... and i don't want to go back to that anguish... we talked a bit, and then i went home...

so .. saturday, this crappy feeling started to creep up on me. and then i got another voicemail from j... saying that he still loves me, and that i probably made the right decision...

it didn't help that i had a kinda bad date yesterday either... not that it was bad - but just that it didn't go well for me... don't know if that makes sense - anyway, i went out with a guy to brunch and to see the bodies exhibition, went to coffee...etc and i felt as though he was just trying too hard.. and it kinda scared me away - i'm just not ready to see anyone... i really just wanted to go as friends, and meet more people...

well - all in all, i think letting go is a little harder than i thought it would be. it probably would've been easier for me to not see j and explain... but i think it was the right thing to do... i don't know why i feel crappy - i know i don't like him, i know i don't want to be with him (ever), and i know i made the right decision - so why do i feel like shit? is it coz i know he feels like shit, and i feel bad? *sigh*

me? an addict??

i had a very fascinating conversation with a new friend this morning...

i was just talking about this entertaining book my sister had bought me, called "Can you keep a secret" by Sophie Kinsella. I had started reading it on the plane from Cleveland back to New York - and it was one of the best and easiest reads i've had in a long long time.

it's very lighthearted, and funny - so funny that i actually started laughing out loud (as softly as i could) on the plane! it was quite embarrassing, coz as i was laughing, i looked up and noticed 2 businessmen turning around to see... and as I caught one of them looking, he smiled at me! i was so embarrassed, i immediately hid my face in the book again... (still laughing)...

anyway - i couldn't put the book down. once i got back to the apartment, i climbed straight into bed and kept reading until i finished it...

well, having said that, my friend observed this as an addictive personality trait...

i gave that a little more thought - and he could be right! i started reading memoirs of a geisha on the plane from New York to Hong Kong, and didn't put it down until I finished reading that too (although it wasn't the best book I've read) - spent all 16 hours reading it...

and as soon as I start a Korean series - I can't stop! i keep watching it, and watching it, and watching it... until it hits around 4AM, and I freak out, coz i only have 2.5 hours left to sleep before i have to get up for work... and as soon as i finish work, i rush home to finish watching the remainder of the 8 DVD's....

but i try to handle it... i consciously make an effort not to read, unless i'm flying... and i don't watch long series unless i know i don't have anything planned for the next several days... so it's a somewhat controlled addiction... :P

letting go...

wow... went to dinner tonight with j... and he got pretty emotional tonight... i know it's not easy for him to express his emotions - but i didn't want to deal with it anymore... you know what? it reaches a point where it is just too late. i gave him around 4 to 5 months, and that's it... he's had his chance.

well, he actually got teary eyed during dinner tonight.. mentioned something along the lines of:

• sorry for causing me so much pain
• doesn't want to hurt me anymore
• wants to try and pursue me again, but doesn't think he should because he's afraid he'll encounter commitment phobia again
• etc, etc, etc...

whatever... in response, i just smiled at him (thinking - yeah, typical of you to want me after i start to move on with my life!) and just told him he's going through a bad patch. he probably needs time to let go, but i will be here for him through these bad times...etc he knows that such a diplomatic response really means - "you've got to be f*cking kidding me - go get a life, and leave me alone".

unbelievable... i'm happy though - because, even after he's expressed his feelings, and seeing him fishing to see how i felt about us, i'm still feeling good. so now i know that i am trully over him.

i do feel bad for him.. and i try to be a good friend.. but what more can he expect from me? honestly - not much more..

absentmindedness...

hmmm... i've always been pretty absentminded... but i think that it is progressively getting worse... i wonder if alcohol abuse would have anything to do with that??

okay - so i've been drinking my entire weekend away... pretty much started on friday at 5pm till saturday morning 5am, went to sleep and woke up at 1:30pm then started drinking again at 3pm through till sunday morning 2am... i would've kept on drinking until 5am again if the following sequence of events did not occur:

at around 1:30am, i'd met some new friends and we were exchanging stories about our separate ski trips to Belleayre Mountain... and i'd mentioned to them that my friends were actually going skiing again this weekend at Vermont... and then, in my slightly intoxicated state, i thought to myself - wait a second, why aren't i skiing with them then? when it occured to me, i couldn't go because i had a flight to cleveland during the weekend...

WAIT A SECOND - SHIT! this weekend?? what day is it? what day and time is my flight? man - i had a serious panic attack. i tried to calm down, when i remembered - yes, it is 1:30am on sunday morning, and thank god, my flight is 1pm in the afternoon...

what scares me though is that if i did not have that conversation - i would've continued drinking.. went to sleep in the wee hours of the morning, woke up late in the afternoon, and who knows when i would've remembered about my flight!

that was one scary moment...

settling in... (again)

for the first time in a long long while - new york is beginning to feel like home once again...

i'm slowly building up a friendship base, and starting to hit up the party scenes... meeting lots of new people - and starting to feel like my old self once again! i'm not all there yet - but it's a gradual process...

the past couple of weeks has been interesting...

i mean - with j, we'd always went dutch on everything... i felt bad because i earned more money than he did.. and it was just odd, and it wouldn't had felt right... i know that this is something that has always bothered him - but whatever...

now, it's nice to have guys pamper me again... picking me up and driving me around (yes - even in nyc!), taking me out to dinner, buying me drinks, getting me little gifts... ahhhh... the life of a single girl.... i really missed this... but i don't know if i enjoy it as much as i did when i was younger - i almost feel guilty now... almost like i owe them something... i don't remember thinking like that before...!

i think i'm lucky that i'm single here in nyc, because being 26 doesn't feel that old here... if i were in hk or sydney, it'd be a different case... but there is an abundance of single ppl at my age (and older) in this city... then again - i'm not sure if that's a good thing or not...

i know i was complaining about the whole dating many ppl at the one time - but within this short time, i think i'm warming up to the idea... i don't know about "dating" several ppl, but "seeing" several ppl doesn't seem to be a bad idea... especially when it seems to be the norm here... having said that - i think it would just feel weird for me.....

reminiscence...

just wanted to reminisce for a moment...

i had a perfect, perfect day on Saturday, February 18th. I woke up early in the morning, travelled to Tony's place for my friend, Anita to pick us up to go snowboarding / skiing. Anita, Tony and Alex went snowboarding, whilst I went to the beginners ski lessons - and spent the whole day there! hehe.. it was a lot of fun.. then afterwards, we went shopping at Woodbury Commons - where I bought 2 tops.. and then dinner at Peking House - where we had great food... i was very happy that day..

so - that was the day i met Tony again, after a year of listening to Anita talk about him... I was very careful that day to stay away from him.. i know how jealous girls can get.. and i didn't want any unnecessary problems resulting... besides, anita is so good to me... i was intent on keeping our friendship...

when we finished at the ski slopes, and got to woodbury commons.. i realized he liked to shop! man - do i miss that! the only 2 guys who i could shop with was my 1st bf who loved to shop, and my bestfriend's exbf who didn't mind accompanying me whilst i shopped.. Tony even provides input on the styles and provides some good opinions from a male perspective... his hands were dry, so i gave him some handcream, and he recognized the l'Occitane brand that i had.. he liked the top that i bought from ralph lauren.. but wasn't keen on the gucci handbag i was looking at.. yes - he had me quite intrigued...

dinner was a lot of fun, and also quite relaxing... he ordered a lot of dishes... and they were all quite good! so he is also quite the food connoisseur...

by the end of the night, we parted ways, but not before he gave me a quick kiss on the cheek as friends, yet also not quite as platonic friends as it seemed to linger there just a split second longer... perhaps it was a figment of my own imagination...

--- and that was how it began...

over the course of the next week, i had forgotten about my good friend anita.. i was in my own little world, having been so captivated by this guy... we flirted with each other, playing with words... there were moments where he'd make statements that would make my heart flutter for a moment... he had returned from a trip to dc and was quite exhausted - so i'd suggested he go home and nap for a moment, with which he'd responded "at least one of us will have to keep working, to ensure we can continue to drape you in pink polo..." - the connotations brought about by that statement almost made my heart skip a beat..

so we finally meet up for several drinks on friday night.. he looked hot that night... in his black cashmere sweater, and his burberry jacket.. and we had great conversation, we were laughing and having so much fun.. he told me i was pretty.. and i told him that i couldn't betray my friend with which he said they only have a brotherly/sisterly relationship - that it was purely platonic unlike our's.. but at one point, he had referred to himself as a scumbag.. was he warning me then? i don't know.. but at that moment, i remember being shocked - and i told him i didn't associate myself with scumbags.. and i turned away from him... perhaps we both already knew it was too late... because he started poking and tickling me, and i immediately let my guard down again..

after a few drinks, he had mentioned he was hungry, and he knew of a place that served great spinach dip... so we decide to head out.. i tried to finish the remainder of my drink, when he asked why - i was a little confused, and told him it was because he'd bought me the drink.. at which point he grabbed me around the waist, gave me a quick peck on the cheek (whilst almost looking a little embarrassed - very boyish cute), and whispered in my ear, "let's go"... how could i say no to that?

we headed out into the cold, where we stood side by side, waiting for a cab.. when he pulled me close to him, and wrapped me in his jacket, with my face against his warm, soft, cashmere sweater.. i slowly looked up at him - but he was engaged, trying to locate a cab for us... but his heart was beating fast...

we get to our next stop - houstons.. where we ate, drank and were merry! we sat close, with his legs rubbing against mine..

----

i should have went home then... but i didn't... we went to his place, looked through his photos when he was in europe... and then he kissed me... it would've been nice if that were it.. but then he continued on down my neck... woah - that was way too fast... so then i stopped him... and told him that it was time for me to leave... he kissed me goodnight.. and i left...

it was strange... i didn't know how i felt by then... and then the next day, anita called and asked about my shenanigans.. by now, i'm a mess.. a very confused mess.. and i just felt bad... and then it gets worse...

the very next night, i met up with him again. i wasn't sure what to expect. i don't know why i wanted to see him - but i did. we danced for a bit. but that was it. and then we headed to his place again. okay - now that i'm going through it all again, i'm embarrassed. i feel like shit just writing this down. maybe i should split this entry in 2. a good half. and a bad half. ha.

i met up with him at a bar close by to the birthday party i was at, and we had a few drinks and danced until his friends continued on to a different party. after which, we left and went to his place.. i get changed into his pj's - i remember thinking to myself - i really just want to lie next to him.. so we played around and snuggled together for the night... i was coughing all night, and he was so sweet, holding me close so that i wouldn't get cold... we woke up the next morning, had brunch together... and something had changed - and he became kinda cold... all he could really say was "whatever..." and "nice...". yeh - what can i say? he had warned me about him being a scumbag..

so then i retaliated, and he retaliated back.. and it all ended as quickly as it all began...

another day at work...

today was a pretty crappy day at work - the weather was absolutely shite. we had what they term a "wintry mix" - wintry mix of shit essentially.. you have all sorts of crap coming down from the sky - rain, freezing rain, sleet and snow.. so if you know me, you'd know the weather has a huge effect on me... my emotions and my mental state is completely controlled by the weather...

anyhow - as i was saying, today was pretty crappy, until it hit about 3PM or so..

the guys were talking about Dancing with the Stars, and how hot one of the girls is - Stacey Keibler... and the girls were saying her greatest asset is her legs... anyway - my colleague and I decided to look her up on the internet to check her out...

so picture this:
a senior male VP (christian, happily married, with kids) and 2 girls huddled around the desktop computer at an investment bank..
we type her name in google, and click images...
and the screen was filled with nude shots of her!
he was lucky he was with an irish and an aussie - we thought it was absolutely hilarious! we couldn't stop laughing...! if he was with a prude american, he'd probably get his ass sued! hehehe..

anyhow, he walks away... then starts going through some filing cabinets... and he finds 2 bags of clothes... he asked around to see who owns them - at which point, nobody claimed them to be theirs.. one was a brooks brothers bag, with 2 BRAND NEW brooks brothers shirts! all wrapped with tags on and everything.. we check the receipt, and it was dated June 2004!! the second bag however, contained dirty clothes - with dirty undies, socks, pants, shirt and undershirt... ew. considering the receipt on the brooks brothers bag was dated june'04 - i'd hate to think how old the bag with the dirty clothes was...

yes - i have a very interesting boss to work for...

to study, or not to study... again!?!?

it's funny... when i finished my bachelors degree - i said to myself, i am done. no more study - good riddance to any further education!!

then after a year of work, i found myself bored, and missing studying at university... so much that I was even willing to pay half the cost of my degree (because work would only agree to pay 50%)...

so then i started my masters. it was all very exciting during the first semester - but then as i progressed up the ranks at work, and started getting more responsibilities... i began to ask myself - what on earth did i get myself into? this wasn't what i envisioned! full time work and part time study??

somehow i managed, and completed my masters degree - and again, i said to myself, no more! no more university! i mean what am i going to do? a phd??

now, 1.5 years down the track, i'm bored again... everyone around me seems to be talking about getting or completing their mba... some are even talking about quitting work and going back to university... it almost makes me envious - and i also want to go back to that life - studying, hanging around campus... chilling out with friends... not a care in the world...

yeah - i wish! life's not like that anymore... if i were to do any further study - it'd be the same deal again.. full time work, and part time study... i would have to say good bye to my vacations again...