aimless..

it's almost 3pm on a sunday, and i just woke up. i'm still incredibly tired - and i feel sad...

i have no idea what the f*** i'm doing. what is the point of my existence? i can't go on with my life without setting milestones. All I want is to be happy. is that so difficult? But why does nothing make me happy these days?

all the little things in life used to make me happy. good food. partying with friends. going shopping. travelling. sleeping. watching a movie. going to the museum. going to the park.

why has that changed in nyc? is it because it all comes so easily? no... maybe because i know that i'm not heading in the right direction in my life. i want to have a happy and balanced lifestyle. but i wont find that here in new york. so why did i run away?

i watched clerks II yesterday, and they had one great point coming out of the movie - we can't be a clone - and try and achieve the same goals that everyone else has. we need to establish our own. but maybe i am that simplistic. my goals ARE the same as everyone else's. argh. i don't know.

2nd time around..

last night, i saw tony again - after a good 4 months... i had debated on whether i would see him again when the time came about... our plans have been clashing over the past month - but last night my plans with nancy fell through as she fell sick... so i went over to his new apartment to watch a movie with him...

when he opened the door, i remembered how i fell for him so quickly.. he looked even better than he did 4 months ago. he had lost a bit of weight and got himself a great tan.. and his smile just melts my heart...

i had a great time just chilling out with him. it was an easy, pleasant saturday night. we chatted a bit after the movie, and then i went home. i had a great time, and i look forward to seeing him again...

July 23, 2006 - update

so 2 days after I met up with him, anita contacted me again (after NO contact for 4 months) and started to drill me on him. WTF? and then now he's gone cold again.

i feel as though the 2 of them are playing games with me here. i mean what happened? he invited me out - i watched a movie with him - then i'm speculating that he told her - so she calls me - then she said something to him - and now he's pissed at me?

either way - i give up on both of them. they have some serious issues going on. i don't think i want to hear from either of them ever again.

and just like that - he's gone..

i don't know how i feel - sad, tired, torn, alone, empty..

Earlier this week, on Monday, J had decided to leave nyc to head back home to sydney on Saturday (yesterday). I was a little sad to hear that he was going - yet mostly surprised that he was leaving so soon and so quickly. I've discovered I'm getting pretty good at ignoring my feelings - and it's easiest done by keeping busy. I ended up working overtime the whole week, came home exhausted so that i would hit the sack and fall straight to sleep.

and then, before i knew it, it was time for him to leave. even when we hugged to say goodbye, i didn't cry. i thought i would - but i didn't.

i hung out with doris for the rest of the day, drinking, eating, watching movies... until she was too tired to continue on.. as i caught a cab back home at 2:30AM in the morning, it hit me... and i couldn't stop sobbing... all of it hit me right then. the sense of loss, the weariness, loneliness, and most of all sorrow... i was also torn - i didn't know how i felt. i missed him so much. did i still love him? do i hate him? should i have done things differently? should i had forgiven him and let him back in? why didn't i see these options before? i suddenly seemed so much more awake - like my line of sight was limited to the one road i was walking on, and my peripheral vision had just returned.

what had happened to me? my life? i felt as though i'd been in autopilot for the longest time, and finally woke up to nothing. everything important in my life gone. yet i feel so much more awake now.

so, with nothing more to lose, and everything to gain - will i change? is this where my life begins?