forbidden fruit...

i met someone recently - but i can't be happy at the expense of another... it just isn't me... and it kills me.

my friend has had a crush on this guy for the longest time... although they are not going out, i know that she will be hurt if anything were to eventuate, and our friendship will be lost...

although he and I have feelings towards each other, it just doesn't feel right... and it pains me so much when we are together - in a bittersweet kind of way...

there is no win-win situation... i have to make a choice between the 2, and the only right decision seems to be staying away from him... i have to try and be strong... my emotions was going up and down like a yo-yo - i'd be elated one moment, then hung up the next... up and down and up and down... i'd be nice to him one moment, then i'd push him away... mixed emotions... mixed signals... yet at the same time - i think the mixed signals came from both parties - maybe because one would say something, then the other would simply reciprocate or retaliate...

and then it was over.

as quickly as it began.

and the weird thing is - now i'm hurt. but hey - if it weren't i who were hurting, it would be she who would be hurting. so what's worse? i don't know. what is wrong with me?

anyway - i think that i've ruined 2 good things now. and she doesn't realize how hard i tried to stay away either.

sucks.

losing hope..

life has been tough for me lately... new york city scares me now that i am on my own... it's scary because many people here seem to be living the fast life, and even their approach to love has adopted this way of life...

back in Sydney, I'd always thought that sex in the city was a very exaggerated version of relationships in new york city - but from what i have heard from friends here, i think it's a watered down version... apparently people date several people at the one time, until one asks the other "are we exclusive?"... it just seems so... cold.

and even people who are in serious relationships / married (with kids!) are so dodgy! i have had my share of dodgy people hitting onto me over the past year - and i actually have to remind them they have a partner... i guess that is what scares me - i'm scared that i am losing hope...

so then i have to ask myself - are men like this around the world? or is it more prevalent here in nyc? why is it that it's thrown in my face now? or was i just oblivious to it all back in sydney?

recovering...

it's been practically 5 months since the big break up... i'm doing much better now, but it was very tough in the beginning, especially being in a new city with few friends. i hadn't realized how much time, effort and energy i'd placed in the relationship till then. because i felt as though i had nothing left, except work.. i felt as though i had lost myself, lost my identity somewhere.. i almost feel like an empty shell..

and i have been so silly - i'd forgotten how important it was to end a relationship cleanly... there's no way we could become friends immediately after a break up - it's impossible. maybe after a year or so... i know that this situation arose because we both didn't have many close friends who we could depend on during tough times... and most of the friends we had were friends that we'd made together...

but I have since made many new friends - and it isn't until now that i remember how important it is to have some things of my own in a relationship.. i guess these are things you take for granted when you live at home, where you've been brought up all your life - because there will undoubtedly always be something of your own. but when you move to a new country with someone, you don't realize how much of your own life you end up forsaking if you don't make a conscious effort to keep something of your own. but at the sametime, would it be fair to the relationship if you did that? i don't know... i definitely think it would've been healthier looking back now...

so a large part of the recovery process involved the following:

• watching korean series
• making new friends
• drinking and partying
• planning out things to look forward to
  (e.g. dinner, shows, parties)

what i need to better next time is taking care of my health - it's sadly quite funny, because we were never sick during our relationship. but since the breakup, we have both been sick.. and even now, i still have the nastiest cough. everytime it's practically better, i go drinking with friends, and then it's back.

okay - it's 2AM and i have to work tomorrow... probably another reason why i'm not getting any better... time to sleep...

a year and 3 months later...

well - it's been a whole year and 3 months since i've moved to new york city... amazing how time flies, yet i feel as though i have accomplished nothing, and perhaps made a couple of steps backwards...

i know it isn't true, as i have done a lot of travelling since I've been here, which was one of my main goals... in summary:

10, 2004 Los Angeles
11, 2004 NYC (Delaware, Boston & Connecticut for work)
12, 2004 San Francisco & Los Gatos
01, 2005 Nassau, Bahamas
03, 2005 Washington DC
04, 2005 Houston, Texas
05, 2005 Florida (Orlando & Miami)
06, 2005 England (London & day trips to many cities close by)
07, 2005 Las Vegas, Bryce Canyon, Zion National Park, Hoover Dam
08, 2005 New York State (Kaaterskill, Howe's Caverns)
09, 2005 Niagara Falls & Toronto, Canada
10, 2005 Southern Caribbean Cruise (Puerto Rico, St Thomas, Dominica, Barbados, Aruba)
12, 2005 HK, Malaysia, Singapore

That's not too shabby i guess...! but imagine if I lived in Europe, how much more impressive that list could be! hehe..

what else did i come here to accomplish? to become more independent... i can't say i've progressed very far with that though. i guess i have been forced into a situation where i am more independent than when i was living at home - yet not necessarily in a way that i expected to be. i mean, i live with roommates now, i have maid service, i order in and eat out every day, and i am still so emotionally dependent on those around me.. i definitely haven't progressed very far at all.

at the moment, i feel as though i need to be single for a while. and take the time to do and learn all the things that i don't find the time to do when i am in a relationship. i really want to take cooking classes, flower arrangement classes, bartending courses...etc. i've started going to classes at the gym, which is something i've also wanted to do - but i've only been to the club strength and total body conditioning classes... i still want to go to the belly dancing, yoga, pilates classes...